Religion and us

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

While thinking about the subject I often end up with mixed feeling of contempt and contentment. Contempt, because I do not subscribe to the rituals or faith of the religion, and contentment, well… because of the same reason. That simply means I don’t believe in the concept of God or religion for the same reason that the believers have. I have sinned. Funny no? I will explain.

What is God and why do we believe in Him? God as I see is a name given to an unseen power by none other than human beings. Just like we gave name to Gravity, Relativity and Heavens and Hell. We love giving each other a name and often end up calling a few. God I think is another concept that was created in the intricate web of human mind. We are the only sane living being on the planet those are blessed with a brain which can think logically and theoretically. As a child we are so innocent by heart and mind that even death doesn’t mean anything to us. And while we grow we start believing in things which are told to us. We are brought up in an environment where we are more being trained to be fearful than to be logical. I often hear people saying that they are God-fearing people. If you love, believe and have full faith in God, why the fear word then? Why do you have to live in fear of him? Just because you have sinned. Sins, I will explain later in this article.

Sometimes I think religion doesn’t hurt but the rituals and practices associated with it, does.

We believe more in fantasies than in the real life. That is the only reason we believe in The Holy Books, and not in any other literature of the world. The worst happens when we read it and relate the contents with our assumptions. Most of the learned people haven’t even read it. We believed what was told to us, by various channels. Whatever written in these books are more boring than meaningful, I assume. To me an autobiography of a human being is more important than the morals and values mentioned in the holy books. Because that is what I am a human being. There can be nothing more important than understanding a fellow human being or another earthling may be. We often do not accept the fact that the study of human characters is more important than the fictions written by our forefathers. We need to understand that they wrote those of the holy books because in that time of history they never had a good reason to pass their time or to entertain themselves. They never had Televisions, Mobile phones, Cinema, internet or the strip clubs. Whatever they have written is right but it was good enough for their time period only. We have grown many a folds since these books were put on the paper. We have grown psychologically. Our morals and values have changed with times. We don’t need the sermon of archaic morals and masked values thrown on us. Some would say we do need them for the sake of culture, I would say I would beg to differ.

What is a culture? Cultures are made and defined as per the need of the society under current circumstances and for current generations. And seriously guys I am society. How can an old culture or a ritual fit in modern day life style? Its nothing more than confusing yourself. We already have a billion problems to solve every day. Why carry an extra burden on your mind? Just because my parents want me to do that or the society expects me to do that because I am of a particular age group. I tell you guys we are killing ourselves. Not only we are killing ourselves mentally but also giving wrong upbringing to our children. The generation gap consists of the elder one not accepting the change and the younger one not accepting to stop and never change. I wish I will tell my daughter to visit my parents more often than visiting a temple. I wish I would tell her to accept her character of hurting people than to be fearful and visit a temple to cleanse her sins.

Often we forget that why we are on the planet, why there are so many obvious things around us. The logic says after the big bang the atoms and particles started multiplying and created an angry star called Sun and then relatively subdued planets like ours. After a zillion years of fusions and fissions we came to existence. It took us another ten thousand years to reach at a level where we are today. But religions say God created all this. Now a question for the believers. If God created us than are we just a chemical formulae of His lab which he achieved by fusions and fissions of various chemicals thrown in together? I don’t think so. I for once believe that I am created by my mother and not by a miracle of God, because if I would have been a miracle than I would have had the powers of Superman, not a defective leg at the least. But I have powers limited to my comfort zone, nothing more. The power of my mind is bigger than anything else I could think of.

Once I visited a doctor for I had a running nose. He simply told me to stop using ice cubes along with my drinks. It made sense alright but then he started telling me not to use the ice cubes ever again. I confronted him asked for the reason. Here is what he said. “You see God created Ice, we created Ice cubes. He wanted us to feel cold, we started making things cold. Hence you have a cold and would remain till the time you have stopped using the man made cold things.” To an extent that made sense. We cannot or rather should not interfere with the things Nature created for us to enjoy but he related the whole scene with the faith in God which I found rather un-compelling.

People believe in something for the reasons of fear and satisfaction. Fear for the worst and satisfaction of the mind. Fear, greed, satisfaction, contentment and commitment are a few emotions that breed conviction. People behave as per their convictions. Here I would logically defy the presence of soul, at least in me. I am soulless. The more I think about being a soulless person the more comfortable I feel with myself. I think if I don’t have a soul than whatever I have done to hurt others makes sense to me and I don’t need to subscribe to the concept of God. See the fear is out for once. I am convinced and have accepted that I am sinful hence I don’t need to be conscious of myself. But at the same time I am afraid of death as every human being living on the planet. Although nobody would acknowledge it but it’s a fact that everyone wants to go to the heaven but nobody wants to die (this line is an excerpt from the internet).

We have commercialized everything in the process of evolution, including religion that is. God men of today are no more than the investment bankers. You invest your money and faith in them and they will invest your money and their faith in making real estate and share market investments. They are the manipulator of the words and we listen to them just to be psychologically satisfied. Why can’t we be satisfied with our own existence? Why do we need people to tell us what is right and what is not? For me nothing is wrong and everything is right as long as I am not hurting anybody. But I do that, sometimes unknowingly sometimes wishfully. It’s absolutely natural and human thing to do. I would do whatever is logically right even if it means somebody is getting hurt in the process. We need to accept we are like that only and no astrology, mythology or religion can help us in not doing so.

Sins are part and parcels of human existence. If God is there he only wants us to commit sins too. Sins are equally important to live your life as often in sins you find a blessed moment. That is definitely human character, may be Raawanistic, if you see it that way. I can say, that so far I have lived my life to the fullest, for various sins I have committed. Tomorrow if I die I wish I would go smiling because of all the naughty things I have done in my life. Like if it’s a sin to lie to your parents or spouse that you are at work while you are at a pub enjoying a few drinks with your friends. Than I have sinned and I loved every part of it, because I had had blast of the time with my friends. Hell, its my fundamental right to be happy and enjoying. I don’t want to go cribbing for the things I have never achieved. I have achieved enough to be on the other side of the truth. As of today I have accepted that and I think this makes me keep going.

Having said all the above things, I believe more in human tendencies than the hand of fate in my existence. These are my thoughts, you may be of a different opinion. I can argue with you if you have an open mind to discuss it. But if you come to me with closed mindset and try to impose your faith in me than I am sorry, I don’t have time for this. Call me a Raawanistic Agnostic if you have to. In anticipation of all the back lashing I am going to receive after this, I apologies for me being logical myself. As once somebody said “I would rather like to be hated for what I am than to be loved for what I am not.” I can live with that.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Life without the Left

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

The marriage between the congress and the left has reached to the point of divorce, which was bound to happen anyways. Surprisingly it took longer time than expected. You can easily assume that this marriage was as good as a Hollywood marriage. I remember that because of Jayalalitha the Atal government was shown the door, which in turn opened the door for the UPA government to come into the power. In fact Atal was never famous among women so much so that he had always been raped by them. Mamta Banerjee walked out on him, Jayalalitha took her support back from his back bone and the rest of the damage was done by Sonia Gandhi.

As in marriage, in a coalition government, its often difficult to understand sometimes that who wears the pants in the house (read Parliament). As it seemed like Left was wearing the pant, The Congress did what most of the men do in the marriage. They keep a keep and SP is a happy keep. After a long time you can see so much of glow on Amar Singh’s face. After all he is going to be a cabinate minister soon. I think he uses glitters on his face too. Never mind, his using glitters is not the matter of concern, as a matter of fact for Congress, proving majority in the Parliament would be. I seriously hope Manmohan Singh and Sonia Gandhi have done their counting right on this one. Sonia in Italian and Manmohan Singh in Punjabi.

I really don’t like people who sabotage the process of development, and to a layman Left did exactly that. They could have fought for a good cause may be like inflation, development or electricity, but not this. I don’t know jack shit about the Nuclear Deal but if leaders of G8 are saying this is good for the country than it must be. Whether Congress has sold the country or not The Left sold their conscience. Its pinching a bit too much because Manmohan Singh was out of country and even the President was out of town too. I think congress should fight back fairly and squarely. They should even go on a honeymoon with their new keep and do a bit extra to show that they are a happy couple. Well, Manmohan Singh and Amar Singh as a honeymooning couple hmmm, I don’t know, a bit strange and weird. But that’s Raawanism.

Amar Singh interestingly was in limelight when UP government induced Amitabh Bachhan in land deal case. Amar Singh was too happy to announce that he and Amitabh Bachhan were being harassed because of their ideological differences with the Congress government sitting pretty in the Centre. Now that the differences are settled they are getting married. Politics is just like marriage, where you tend to sleep with the enemy, habitually/ invariably/ perpetually. I am getting weird ideas Manmohan Singh sleeping with Amar Singh, hmmm, that’s even gross. But that’s Raawanism.

Its even better for The Bachhan family, they will come close to the Gandhi family again. Happy days are here again. But for how long? 4 months, six at the max. Than we would see Lal Krishna Advani as our new Prime Minister and Raj Nath Singh as a Deputy Prime Minister. But one thing is for sure Laloo Prashad Yadav and Ram Vilas Paswan would still be here in the corridors of power as they shift their support to the ruling alliance faster than you can say shift. They were there in the NDA government and they are in the UPA government, and god bless they would still be here in the next NDA government. Amazing isn’t it, but that’s politics. Another thing I found out interesting about this vote of confidence is that 05 of the MPs will be supporting the UPA government from the luxuries of various jails of India. The great democracy we are the greater hypocrite we are.

Another surprise is that the UPA regime is not famous among the animals too. Ever since the news came out that the Left is pulling the plug on the UPA, the Bulls and Bears are out for shopping. In share market that is. Are they pro NDA government now? We will see in the very near future, till then, keep your comments coming on my blogs.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Reservations on reservation

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

Ignorance is not always a bliss and Vasundhara Raje Schindia ji has learned it a hard way. Since one Colonel is heading the agitation against her Government, she would never hire a Colonel in her government. The Government of Rajasthan is ignoring the Gujjars or as it is said. Gujjars are demanding to be included in Schedule Tribe category. And why not, S.C’s and S.T.’s are enjoying better privilege than the rest of the mortal souls (politicians and celebs not included) of India.

They require less percentage to get an admission in an educational institution, then to pass out from that institute they require even less percentage. They don’t need much of an effort to get a job, as almost 50% of the jobs are already there for them to take. They get more opportunities by way of out of turn promotions in all departments. In all they lead a very-very happy life. Come to think of it Raawan Uncle, you should have asked for the reservation too. A “Positive Berth” in the books of History at the least. Now all they need to ask is to reserve 50% of all the women of India for them. Since they got what they wanted I have my plans too.

When I think of reservations of various castes, tribes and backward classes I have my reservations too. I am having reservations more about people like me, the people who are unsafe in Delhi and people who are drunkard also. Did I say Unsafe? Men? Since when that has started happening? That’s Raawanism, read on.

We often hear people asking questions like how safe women are in Delhi. How safe senior citizens are in Delhi? How safe Children are in Delhi? But nobody cares about us men. By asking such questions they simply ignore men especially of the age group between 25-50. I mean an entire generation of people is ignored. So is it really that nobody cares about us. And by god! Nobody is going to care about my well being for the next 16 yrs or so, that’s a scary thought.

Let’s see how unsafe I am in Delhi by the current scenario. Right from the beginning of my day till late in the evening I am all prone to the nags of my wife. I might as well get mugged by the muggers and the cops. Some better drunkard than me might hit me with his vehicle. There are so many things that can happen to me. By ignoring all of us government and society in general are ignoring a vital portion of their future, and ignoring is not always bliss, remember.

I might plan to agitate for the cause of drunkards. Yes as a respectable drunkard I think it is my fundamental right and humble duty to ask for reservation in all the government or government aided institutes and departments. I have my reasons to do that.

Like for one the SC’s, ST’s and OBC’s, like bapu said were always an oppressed lot, they were always treated in an inhuman way hence they require reservations. Similar is the case is with drunkards they are often treated as untouchables. No sane woman would talk to us for more than 07 minutes, unless she had been drinking too. Non-drinkers envy us. Isn’t it human rights violations? That’s actually a great idea to involve Human Rights activists in my agitation against the Government.

Now Gujjars are saying that they are poor enough to miss out on their tractor’s installments. Well hello… why do you think Vijay Mallaya is so rich. It is all our money. In India drunkards spend more money, monthly, than the annual budget of Uganda. Hence we are also poor, and hence we need reservation. Now the wish list. I can give you at least 327.5 demands I have, but I don’t want you to get into details. Here is a draft of the memorandum to the Government of India from The All India Byovara Association:

• We want at least 50% reservations in all educational institutes, central and state government entities.
• We even want a bar in every Government owned building including local police stations and picket posts. We wouldn’t mind if the women police personals come forward and become a bartender for us.
• The liquor vends should be made open on 24/7 and on pan India basis.
• Alcohol Subsidy.
• We would even suggest you to promote small ice-cream-carts type Liquor-vending-carts, to be installed on every corner of the country.
• A special insurance scheme should be launched and also the premium be paid, by the Government.
• Free Medi Care.
• Free Bus, Train, Air travel, because we often even don’t know the difference.
• Alcohol products should be made available on Ration Cards, on all Ration shops.
• A constitution should be passed to punish all the wives who nag us for drinking.
• I would suggest you to create a different quota all together for us. Now that will read like S.C.’s, S.T’s, OBC’s and Byovara’s…
• It should be made mandatory for every individual to carry a bottle of a whiskey, always, period.
• Two-wheelers and four-wheelers should be made with fancy glass holders all around. It should be made mandatory as in the case of Seat belts.
• For the sake Byovara brethren of poor community, I request to make it mandatory for all municipal corporations to clean the gutters regularly. And if possible make arrangements for the beddings too.

These are just a few demands, the list could be endless. I request you to throw in your two cents as I am yet to prepare my final list to be put in front of the Government.

Please leave your traces on comments page.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Food for Thought

Raawan of the year goes to the President of the U. S. of A.

I now realize that my eating habits are not only hurting my denim’s buttons but my fellow earthlings also. One is a case of The Americans, rest pertains to the women I had been on. The Americans are disturbed the way I eat and how much I eat. Even though a content of my meal doesn’t even match the things they are stuffing themselves with. For instance we use Olive oil for other reasons than the Americans do. I hope you don’t want me to explain it here.

When Mr. George W. Bush included me in his speech it was the most proud moment of my life. I mean the first man of the earth mentioning me in his speech; it’s a great achievement, no? Now somebody would ask that when the heck this Bush guy talked about this Raawan thing. Well he talked about people of Indian Middle Class, I am The Indian middle class, eating up all the resources of the world, ME. Got it.

Prosperity in countries like INDIA is "good" but it triggers increased demand for "better nutrition" which in turn leads to higher food prices, US President George W Bush said.

Mr. Bush was a cheerleader of the Phillips Academy, he is still doing the same thing but now he is a leader who is cheering masses with his misunderestimated speeches. By the way Mr. Bush created the “misunderestimated” word, that’s Raawanism. He is the only person in the world who can originate a word like this because he is the most misunderestimated guy on the planet. Most misunderestimated because the other dude is Rajni Kanth. I can still remember once Mr. Bush said “Humans and fishes can co-exist peacefully.” Basking in the glory of his wisdom he forgot to mention whether he foresee it happening over the water or under. He did not even mention whether we would be able to copulate with the fishes or not. Also I think he should write dialogues for Rajni Kanth. This way a viewer will get two for the price of one. Misunderestimated stunts and misunderestimated dialogues. What a treat…

Another thing Mr. Bush pointed at was that we Indians were always eating less nutritious food, and we are now demanding more nutritious food. Dude I bet my fat behind, that you haven’t been to India or at least you know jack s.it about Indian cuisine. The least we can do is that we can dispatch a Dilli Police-walah for you to have a BIIIIG look at. We Indians are so obese that even food that we eat dread to enter in our bowels. We talk while eating to lessen the noise of the guerrilla warfare happening in our stomachs. Now you know why we have noisy restaurants.

We Indians are having our “better and nutritious food” since America wasn’t even there in existence, and this dude is telling the world that we are now prosperous enough to demand better and nutritious food. Might I say GROW UP. For Americans I think good and nutritious food means a Double Chicken Burger at McDonald's of course with a Diet coke, but for us its Butter Roti and Butter Chicken with Lassi. I wish I could serve him with that. He would skip his three meals in a row, right after eating this nutritious diet.

Well Indians are always blamed for one thing or the other, but this certainly is the best one coming from the leading man of the planet. The next thing we know is we are blamed for a chimpanzee slapping Mr. Bush for looking like him (the chimpanzee). Hats off to his creative team for such a brilliant idea to make Americans look like an idiot, that too, again… Anyways, blame us Indians for any crisis but you can never blame us for producing a stupid politician, that’s RAAWANISM…

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

What woman wants…?

I finally managed to crack the code of a puzzle which dazzled the human brains (male) for centuries. Its better than cracking The Da Vinci Code. It was so simple to do that even fifth grader could have done it, or better yet Shahrukh Khan. I now know what woman wants. I am strongly of a view that a woman wants a woman, well… as a companion. Its, what they want, or better, say they want feminine characters in men. Now that you know finally what woman wants, I am going to explain my research analysis.

She wants her man to be sensual, sensitive, caring, affectionate and blah, blah, blah and etc… Weren’t those of the male macho characters that the cave woman liked when she got attracted to the cave man? The cave woman certainly had fallen for his manly characters. His unmatched quality for hunting the birds with boomerang. Killing a lion for her new lingerie. Watching kids playing with the pet lion was his favorite time pass, “Ooops… darling here goes your daughter from the neighbor, you can always call him home again, no sweat.”

All those manly characters that she liked in cave man, evaporated in like 40,000 years and it changed the whole concept of marriage.

Lets consider the case of one beautiful night, when right after having the supper, the couple is sitting in their bed, talking. Woman talking about how she managed to faux-pass man’s mother. Man busy in his thoughts surfing channels, TV on mute. Now what do you think the two are thinking.

Man: If only she could be silent for a minute I would know what Rachel and Ross are talking about in “Friends”. Necessity is the mother of invention, like lip reading. Learn Lip reading, dude. Some of my friends told me that they are very good at lip reading. They would simply switch to a news channel and let there lip reading expertise to work for them, or at least they can read the scrolling bar.

Woman: If only he cares about me and loves me, he could at least look at me while I am speaking to him. He doesn’t love me anymore, or may be I looking fat. Am I looking fat? Our cat is growing fatter; I need to check what she eats… and so on and on and on.

I tell you guys Hoongah the cave man was a patient man. He did not even have a TV set. He must have spent his evenings looking at the empty walls of his stone cave. Now that’s what I call mute. That must be really frustrating. Equally for you Raawan uncle, you too did not have TV sets in your times. But you could afford all those belly dancers in your personnel harem. Those girls must have been a great help.

Any ways men and women think differently, so differently that the interior decorations of their minds are different. While woman’s brain is multicolored and there are frills all around, man’s brain has all the toys and tanks and the tank tops he removed, too. You would not find men talking about their favorite colors; they prefer to talk about their favorite beer, or favorite neighbor’s wife. But woman wants her husband to talk of beauty and colors, which is not a manly thing to do. Hence proved: she wants a woman to talk to. If only the sex part of the marriage is taken out just to think about the possibility, I think a woman can live with a woman for centuries. Talking.

It would be a convenience-of-sort kind of relation. They can share the daily chores. Like Miss A (sorry Mrs.) can wash the clothes one day and Mrs. B can do the laundry the other day. An entire day would be kept for bitching after every 28 days. The house would smell like a temple, and it would be as clean a house as it was never used, for years at end. A fat proportion (say 93.87%) of the household income would be spent on telephone and credit card bills.

A room would be dedicated to the topless posters of Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, all the Khans, Abhishek Bachhan, Hritik Roshan and Bobby Darling, oops, sorry not at least Bobby Darling, topless Karan Johar would still be better. A room can also be dedicated to stuffed toys, or may be we could avoid that, as a girl or two can easily fit in a six-by-six foot bed with fifty stuffed toys. Some times I think it’s a matter of choice, but we would not discuss it here.

No questions would be asked if somebody is crying in home. Crying would be treated as a healthy exercise in the household. In fact an hour can be kept for crying, daily, as house chores. In-laws would be treated (or not treated) equally. An entire legislation can be jotted for what and what not to be taken from the in-laws, as an advice. Nagging would be treated as holy practice.

It would actually be a dream world for woman, and I think its worth a shot, what say you. Do let me know.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Monkey Business

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan Uncle

For the past few months India had been busy celebrating Dusherra, Id, Diwali, Christmas, New Year and the great fall of Share Market. Everybody was busy distributing their hard earned money; to the people they seldom meet in person, in all the above cases. I often think that what is so great about this holy festival that we enjoy. I could not think of anything better than playing JUA with my cousins, which appeals to me most about this festival. Irony is that we all have forgotten the true purpose of this festival and the true meaning of festivities that is playing cards. Or so I think, but my wife doesn’t. All it matters these days is how much money you can spend on crackers and gifts. Everything is commercialized including Diwali and why not, after all it is all about Laxmi, Laxmi and well Laxmi…

Anyways I went into deep depression soon after seeing your effigy burning to flames on Dusherra grounds. It really hurts me. It took four months, a harsh winter, an American recession and a steep share market fall to make me come out of the depression. And not to forget the efforts made by Zee TV to convince me that you were very much alive in your times. Come to think of this, do you think all the above calamities are happening because of my state of mind. Some would say I need anti-depressants again. But hey who cares. Lets get on with the Diwali thing…

It all started when, well… right after you died. They started celebrating as soon as you took your last breath and left for heavenly abode. As unwise as I can be, I don’t understand what is so bad about you avenging for your sister’s nose. I think it all started there. Why Laxman had to do that? Who in his sane mind would chop somebody’s nose off? Somebody needed psychic help back then or may be a self help book. I mean I wouldn’t even tell my mother in law that she looks like a truck even if she does. I swear I never did. But Laxman had to do it. And then all you did was abducted Shri Ram’s wife. Now what is so bad about it? I mean ask any married man of today. They would be rather happy and even pay you to do that. On the other hand I think you only wanted to tell these two brothers that under no circumstances they can chop somebody’s sister’s nose off. That is why you kidnapped Sita and flew her to your own kingdom. Now that was a modest thing to do. You could have chopped Sita’s nose too, but you didn’t. That’s chivalry and Raawanism.

Then one fine morning you realize you have an army of Monkeys, Eagles and Beers with a few men at your doorstep for rescue operations. You can fight men or women if needed be, but birds and animals that too as dangerous as monkeys. Give me a break, they bite you know. That was an unethical thing to do. I think you didn’t have “code-of-conduct-during-war” kind of thing back then. I sincerely hope Osama-bin-Laden and Musharaf wouldn’t take a clue from here. Monkeys for army, great, lets show them the videos, teach them to swear for Jihad and send them to America and Kashmir.

Talking about monkeys, another monkey business that caught my attention is an allegation on an Indian who called an Australian a monkey. Indians living or going overseas are developing a habit of relating people with animals and birds. First Mr. Ronen “Chicken” Sen called our politicians chickens and caught himself boiled in a soup. And now Bhajji called Symonds a monkey, or so it seems now. I could still remember my mother fondly calling me “Baandar kahin ka” out of sheer affection. For me or the monkey I can now question my mother for the same. Or… I can simply ask her to call me “Symonds kahin ka, or Andy kahin ka,” whatever she prefers. But at least I will be feeling proud to be referred as such a great batsman.

Now that Justice Hansen has given his judgement that Bhajji did not call Symonds a monkey but used only abusive language as light as “Teri Ma Ki…”, which in turn calls for a lesser punishment. Now I know that while playing an international match you can swear by somebody’s mother or sister but can not call him a four legged free soul of the trees. So much so that for gentlemen’s game and decency, that’s Raawanism I must tell you.

Another thing that came out of the Indo-Aussie series is that no umpire in the world would give an Indian a Leg Before Wicket out. You can read the expression on the umpire’s face when asked by the ballers on the field, its like “Are you nuts, looook, he is an Indian, I cant give him LBW out. I don’t know about you but I will be thrown out of the series.”

To update you, do watch out the tri-nation series that includes India, Australia and your own country Sri Lanka. I will keep you posted unless I go into the depression again.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours Chota Raawan

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Marriage is fun... Ya right!

Dear Raawan Uncle

Jai Shri Raawan

With your blessings and well wishes we (me and my missus) celebrated our 10^th marriage anniversary, last week. Some how my friends were happier than I was, probably because of the alcohol flowing freely on the bar table. These 10 years were more better than worse, more sweeter than sour. We tried our best to stay together and have fun and everybody around us acknowledged that by drinking to the hilt.

Uncle, with this letter I want you to understand the psyche of a modern day husband. Of course while you were married to Mandodari aunty you would have had your set of problems. But in those days at least saas bahu soap operas were not there. So embrace yourself to enter into the mind of a today’s married man. The following incidences are the feedbacks given to me by intellectual husbands, and I am generalizing the whole institution of marriage with this. I thought it would be only wise to raise a voice of concern for all my brethren.

Marriage is fun, that’s interesting as it is but harsh realities of life makes it simply impossible to believe. Couples married for a long time, I think are just growing together for the sake of it. For a woman it may be a satisfaction of being looked after or rather looked at by somebody, but for a man it’s to look after and look into every matter in detail, it’s certainly different.

For the first few months sex blinds and binds as well. Half of the married population gets pregnant around this period only. Rest takes their time to stroll around and learn from other’s mistake. That’s a wise decision to take but then it would happen sometime later and also you will have to wipe those cute little bums of your baby some day. Men don’t even realize at this point that their personal hanger had been invaded. For one the wardrobe which used to be full of dull shades of blue, black, green and brown looks like a riot of colors now. I would like to update you that there are like 18 shades of every color available in the market. I for once thought I was color blind all my bachelor life. And for second your bathroom now consists of 287 toiletries, out of which, you can not even spell half of them right. One of my friends was ordered by his wife to use a cream to soften his skin. Tauba, tauba… that’s horrible. Its like making Marsian to speak Venusian. But its still fun.

When you get out of the initial hibernation then only you realize what you have gotten yourself into. The war fare starts with smaller arguments. The ego takes the front and your dreams back seat. Your-parents-my-parents phenomenon takes its toll on this relationship. But its still fun.

Your mother in law has a major role in your life. She is more important than a condom actually. She is omnipresent, really almost like a god. She is the best woman on the face of earth. Sometimes you think you should have got married to her as well. But I guess you are already married to her as you are married to her daughter. She is going to be there for the rest of your life, well, between you two.

The day in day out guerilla war starts at this time. You like the company of your friends, and she wants to go to her mother’s place. The interference of your in-laws increases by the day. Your mother in law knows what you had for dinner, even though you were dead drunk to know it your self. She teaches her daughter all the god forsaken recipes of nuclear waste over the cellular phone, and eventually you get to eat that and pay the bills too. Your father in law is the only sane guy who knows where to put your money.

Your parents are sworn enemies of your wife. They seem to have developed a phenomenon, not to like any thing that your wife does. Suddenly they started to dislike spicy food and your wife cooks everything hot. They don’t like your wife’s taste of colors and she hates their taste of food. Eventually it becomes your battle and you resolve to; if you are going to do this to my parents I will do that with your parents. That actually diffuses the situation and you start living a calmer life, as a loner. The kid grows as a brat and you as a drunkard. It’s still fun.

Every woman wants her husband to be like her father, but he is like his father. Every man wants his wife to be like his mother, but she is her mother’s daughter. Expectation breeds contempt. That’s my take on the subject.

Rest, you can update me on the subject as you are married to Mandodari aunty for a long time.

Waiting for your words of Raawanism.

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Ronen Chicken

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan Uncle

The Raawan of the week award goes to Mr. Ronen Sen, though he is caught in a time of trouble. The India’s ambassador to the US has ventured into the territory, which is only equivalent to scaling on a Marsian Everest. What he has done is in true Raawanism spirit. How can you call an Indian politician a headless chicken? I mean it could have been spineless monkey, toothless elephant or may be a heartless hippopotamus, but no sir he had to call them a headless chicken. Under no legitimate circumstances, you can call an Indian Humorless Politician a Headless Chicken.

He also kept on reiterating that he used headless chicken thing for the scribes. Now he will be tried on two counts. He firstly used abusive language against our politicians (hoh….) and now he is calling them liars (bigger hohhhhhh…)

Now he will be ambushed from all the corners. The recent news is that he is called back to face the privilege committees from both Lok Sabha and Rajya Sabha. Also he will be given a book to read in the parliament, named, “Count your chicken before they hatch.” So it would be all chicken and eggs for him despite being a Navaratra week. Right after the committee’s hearings he will be put on an aircraft and be dispatched to Rwanda as a High Commissioner (Jhinga lala huh…).

So what exactly is a headless chicken anyways? I think by saying a headless he meant brainless and by saying chicken he meant… well, chicken. So that means he wanted to call them brainless chicken. That’s so brainless thing to do Mr. Ambassador.

There is another storm brewing up in the other part of Delhi. Next week there is a meeting being called by The Great Indian Chicken Association (TGICA). Chickens from all over the country will stage a protest and give a memorandum to honorable Prime minister. “We can’t take it any more ji. We are being compared with a politician, hain ji, that’s way below our standard ji. We chicken brothers haven’t been able to recuperate well from the last bout of bird flu ji and now this, and then people expect us to be tasty and fresh on their platter ji. This is way too much to ask from a chicken ji, I am telling you,” informed the convener of the association, Kukar Singh. “We are completely shattered ji and really angry with the government ji. We want the government to take stern action against the guilty ji, there is no way government can get away with it, haan ji,” he further added. “We chicken eat worms, not words like politicians,” pressed Kaka Singh the young president of The Little Chick Association of India. (TLCAI). It’s also on the grape wine that TGICA is forming its own under-privilege committee to hear Mr. Sen out. So now he will face three committees.

Meanwhile my neighborhood Dhaba owner is busy working on a new recipe containing chicken and is intending to name it “Ronen Chicken.” “I thought I should take the advantage of the situation. I am not reveling the contents of the recipe yet and planning to launch the “Ronen Chicken” right after the Navratras, and also my boys will serve the platter wearing Khadi,” informs the proud owner, Dhakkan Kumar.

All the best Mr. Sen, welcome back to India and reality. Please bring your best face to face the committee, not that chicken wala. That’s so Raawanistic of me to say, LOL.

Chow for now,

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

Interview of Ms. Blue Line…

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan Uncle

I am all proud to tell you that I am officially the first human being to communicate with a mechanical one. I was blessed with an opportunity to visit the dump yard where the cops are keeping all the confiscated blue line busses. I was there to get my car which was also confiscated by the cops just because it had a big blue line scratched on the bonnet. Probably the handy work of a neighbor’s brat. I don’t blame cops for the misunderstanding, they are specifically told to bring in all the blue lines.

As I entered the dump yard I saw my car was standing pretty with a parked blue line bus. Ordinarily I would have suffered a stroke seeing my baby standing so close to a bus. But then what can an innocent looking bus sitting pretty in a dump yard do to my car. Nothing… probably. As I stepped ahead to get my baby I heard some one sobbing. Sure enough the voice in concern was coming from the Blue Line bus. Startled, I asked “who is there?” “Its me Ms. Blue Line, the bus,” answered the poor ahhhhh… well bus, and started the interview which created history.

Me: I can’t believe a bus can speak.

Ms. Blue Line: If I can crawl, run, crush and crash, why do you think I cant speak.

Me: Yah but, you are a bus…

Ms. B.L.: You humans live with so many pre-conceived notions. Anyways to tell you the fact, its only I who can speak among my peers and also you are the only one who can hear me.

Me: So I am the lucky one

Ms. B.L.: Well if you are still alive despite being so close to me, then either I am not being driven or you are really lucky.

Me: Now there don’t scare me, tell me how did you land here and why were you crying?

Ms. B.L.: Tell you the fact I am feeling a little out of the place. I mean I am here being imprisoned for a mistake which I haven’t made.

Me: What do you mean by that, you guys (ahem…) have killed so many people still you think you are innocent?

Ms. B.L.: Well tell me what do you say when your computer stops working. I mean Kaboosh, nothing on the screen?

Me: I would say my computer is crashed.

Ms. B.L.: Yah right! It’s the Computer that crashed. Let me explain it to you its like blaming your computer for crashing though its your Disk Operating System which crashes. Bole to DOS, right?

Me: Right

Ms. B.L.: In my case my DriverS and OwnerS crash me its not I who crash them. Bole to they are the DOS in my case. They operate me I am not the one who operate them, and they are still out there in the open and what do I get, a synonym like Killer bus and imprisoned. Those drivers are killers not me.

Me: Well you have a point but then the government is all out to nab them also.

Ms. B.L.: It never happened and it would never happen in the future also. And talk about the government, remember when one of my sisters was crashed in a house by one of the errant drivers, all they did was, they changed our color from red to blue. As if Delhiites are all color blind, or may be the government think they are. Now, even I think Delhiites are color blind.

Me: What??? Ahem… ok what next?

Ms. B.L.: They will again change our color what else probably to a green, but personally I like magenta or black may be. I don’t know I am still confused about the color.

Me: So why don’t you retaliate? Do something to convey your feelings, by lets say, refuse to start in the morning or may be crush a traffic cop for a change.

Ms. B.L.: Oh no we have seen enough blood on the road already please don’t talk about it. I would share a secret with you we are planning an agitation and a march to the Jantar Mantar. I suggest you don’t travel on the day after tomorrow.

Me: Thanks for the information, but I think they have already planned to phase out you guys in less than a year.

Ms. B.L.: Well I know but what good it would be if they are going to hire the same set of un-trained drivers for the new busses.

Me: O Hello, I would like to mention The Metro here, what do you say about that?

Ms. B.L.: Aaah the Metro, if that’s the case I would like to dedicate a song for her, “Kar chale hum fida jaan-o-tan saathiyon ab tumhare hawaale Delhi saathiyon.” (Sob…)

Me: (Sob…)

Period…

Me: Would you like to dedicate a song for Delhiites also?

Ms. B.L.: Ya why not, “Kal khel mein hum hon na hon, gardish mein Delhi walon ke sitaare rahenge sada, bhoologe tum bhoolenge woh par hum tuhare rahenge sada.” (Even bigger Sob…)

Me: (even bigger Sob…)

Me: All the best and good bye (SOB…)

I could not muster enough courage to ask more questions, and left the dump yard with heavy heart and even lighter pocket. I am going to crush the neighbor’s cat under my car someday…

I know it would be rude of me to say to you to enjoy the Dussehra, but any ways Happy Dussehra. That’s Raawanism, LOL…

Chow for now,

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

So much so that for distraction...

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

These traffic policemen have a fetish for me, or so it seems. Yesterday I was challaned for talking on my cellular while driving. I was ambushed and waived by big burly, Raawanistic looking cop, who almost threw himself on my car’s bonnet. I slowed my car and informed him in gestures that I would be stopping my car on the bolder. I didn’t know I was this good in gesturing. Anyways, I was slow hence he was walking just outside my cars periphery. For once I felt like the US president as he was escorting my car towards the bolder. I stopped the car and he came rushing to my window. Before I could open my window completely, I heard him saying “Bhai sahib Le-cence (License) dikhao”. I was like a child caught stealing a candy, but while asking for my license (read candy), he didn’t look like my mother at all.

I asked him “kya hua bhai sahib?” To which he said “aapne na maloom ke hoya? Fone pe baat kar rahe they aap. chalo le-cence (license) dikhao” Okay time to tell a lie. We Delhites are good at judging just about the right time to lie. I think while living in Delhi (not New Delhi) its my fundamental right to lie because of my proximity to the politicians. I mean I don’t know any politician personally but they lie so much that its in the air. Yes! A lot of lies are hanging in the air. All you have to do is jump and catch one of them and use it. But remember outsiders “Right lie at the Right time”, that’s Raawanism.

I explained “Arey nahin bhai sahib maine to phone bas pakra hua tha haath mein, main baat nahin kar raha tha.” Then he said in an amusing tone, “yeh koi jhanda hai ki haath mein pakra hua tha, chalo le-cence dikhao, haath mein mobile pakrne wala challan kaat denge.” I got out of my car saying “arey kya bhai sahib challan bhi koi kaatne ki cheez hai, murga kato, bakra kato challan kya kaatna.” “Wohi to kaat rahe hain” he replied. I pleaded “Aap to bas sewa batao, challan kaat ke kya milega,” (old habits die hard huh!). To which he said “bhai sahib kya bataein challan kaatna parta hai is mahine ka target poora karna hai aur fir 26 January aane wali hai sarkar ko paise bhi to chahiye.”

His patriotism and resolve to challan me, made me hand over my license to him, looking at which he questioned “asli hai?” Hurt I was, I nodded and he proceeded to his immediate boss called Z.O. (whatever that means, zoo operator I think). I was awarded a challan of Rs. 900/-. There goes my Friday party with friends.

Now my question to the Commissioner of Police, if the inmates of Tihar jail can use the mobile why can’t we do it, hmm, well… while driving our cars? I mean that’s Raawangiri actually. To which he reverted back (not to me, to the press dude!) it’s a distraction while driving. Talking about distractions Mr. Commissioner, we mortal souls, driving in Delhi has many. My wife telling me directions all the time, my daughter shouting on top of her lungs for a Pepsi and Lays from the backseat of the car, beautiful damsels walking down the street wearing stitched-to-body denims are to name a few.

We dodge rikshawalas, auto walas, cycle walas, uncles and aunties on the road. Tell you the fact; I still wonder how blueline bus walas manage to keep their small vehicles on even smaller roads, (I would try to do that one day, Raawan uncle). It seems like stray dogs have a fancy for my car, and does that cow sitting in the middle of the road ever moved, I think not. Why can’t we move them to a safer place?

“No, No, No. These cows can not be moved. These poor creatures have their rights too. Move the road if you have to,” tells Maneka Gandhi to media persons.

Potholes on the road are distractions; rather road between stretches of potholes is a distraction. I strongly believe that the F1 racers can best be trained only on Indian roads. They would have too many potholes to dodge, (oops sorry read road). In fact there are so many potholes on the roads that it would be a disgrace to call it a road. “Its good for the bowel movement,” said the Chairman of National Commission for Road and Safety, “more over people tend to drive slow if there are many potholes hence fewer accidents.”

Even the speed limit of 50 for cars on ring road is a distraction. I don’t know about Sarkari vehicles you travel on but our petrol guzzling beasts cross 60 even if we roll them on the bridges of Delhi with engine switched off.

Your people sitting behind the bushes waiting for us, is one of the distractions too. The other day I was driving with an NRI friend sitting next to me. The poor soul came back to India after a gap of some 08 years. Suddenly a cop came from behind the bushes and right in front of our car. My NRI friend was hysterical, and almost had a heart attack. The first thing that he asked was, “what the heck that guy was doing behind the bush, do they still do it (defecate, he meant, don’t get any ideas) behind the bushes.” I could not answer his query, probably our Commissioner can. I had to assure my NRI friend that I would never break a law and would definitely not defecate behind the bushes.

“Where is your Commissioner and my husband?” asked missus Commissioner. “Behind the bushes madam checking the speed of that car coming this way” replied the orderly. “Oho! Go and tell him its his son-in-law visiting him after a long time. He would scare him off again by giving him another challan like he did last, when “beta” was here with the barat.”

Well Mr. Commissioner here goes your dinner.

With regards

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

What a Match!

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

Did you see the match? We won the world cup dude. Oops sorry I didn’t mean to call you dude but you can see I am very excited about the match. It had been a long time since India won a Cricket World cup, 24 years to be precise. These matches were exhilarating. I tell you this T20 is going to be a hit in India. If at all a match of T20 happens in Delhi, I would invite you and buy a ticket for you too, but you will have to manage rest of tickets for your rest of the nine heads your self. My wife would never let me spend that kind of money. This is one of the reasons I think she is your descendant too, just like me.

Ever since the time Indian team reached the finals of the world cup they have been showered with blessings, flowers, wishes, money and in some cases, few of the distinguished team members were showered with bikes and cars too. Wear your helmet Pathan. Incoming!

We (read Indian Cricket team) crushed the English, devoured the South Africans and un-glorified the Aussies. Ok! I know un-glorified is not a word but I love creating new words. So hush! That’s Raawanism. And finally the final we won against our (read Indian Cricket team’s) archrivals, Pakistanis. I am referring to Indian Cricket team again and again because my contribution to the cricket world is strictly restricted to watching matches and that too while drinking beer in my comfortable bedroom or if lucky in a pub with friends. And of course like every other Indian I strongly believe that I can be a very successful captain for Indian Cricket Team. Anyways, the match between India and Pakistan has always been a crowd puller and so it happened this time. I think this battle between these two neighboring countries can fetch crowds even in a jungle of a non-cricket playing nation like Uganda. For the first time in cricket history India and Pakistan reached in the final of a world cup. It was a battle of nerves and patience. I somehow always wanted to call the cricket battle between these two countries a “Battle of Sexes”. This time around when both of the teams were vouching for the world cup I got my chance to call it that way.

Few of my bookie friends told me that all of these matches were rigged. After loosing to India, of course a few of my Pakistani brethrens must be thinking the same way. But, I don’t think so. Except of course I am still wondering how our ex-president Dr. Abdul Kalam got a clue a few months ago that we would win T20 world cup. He said in one of his speeches “India will be a super power in Twenty Twenty.” I have never seen any body predicting the future so right. Pure wisdom and far-sightedness, I would say. Now that Dr. Kalam is retired and must be looking for a job, I think he should contact the Bhai Log of the trade, or may be the Bhai Log must be looking out for him. “Haan bhai aaj ka kya rate nikalna hai India-Australia ke match mein?” asks the chota bhai. “Abey dhakkan Doctor bhai ki koi purani speech nikal ke dekh, apun ka to saara idea fail hai abhi unke aage,” says the beleaguered Dubai Bhai. I have also had it from the grapevine that the Bhai Log has already ordered the copies of all the speeches Dr. Kalam has ever made. Phew! Why couldn’t I think of that?

The men in blue should thank Misbah for his misjudged flick in the end. The Pakistanis should thank Joginder Sharma for all his balls thrown out side the off stump, which made it a close match in the end (does this guy ever bowls straight) and I would like to thank Dhoni for not giving the ball to Joginder Sharma in the bowl-out against Pakistan in the earlier match.

Finally I would like to thank the Indian Cricket team for making us proud.

With regards

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

P.S.: I am serious about buying the tickets sir, but please be prepared to buy 09 tickets.

Dear Raawan uncle...

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

First let me congratulate you to make it to the internet and welcome you to the virtual world. I am starting this page as a tribute to you, who against all odds won my heart to be my super hero. I chose you to be my mentor because I see you all around me. In politicians, policemen, municipality, defense, finance, my boss and his dog, my ex-girlfriends, my in-laws and last but not the least my wife. I would say you are in every one. You are omni present. Every body has Raawanistic characters in them. Raawanism is every where. Raakshas and Raakshis are every where. I first heard your name when my grand mother called me Raawan because I broke her spectacles for the third time in a week. I was a toddler than. I will tell you more about it later.

I want to proudly inform you that once even my daughter was given the part of Raawan in her kindergarten Ram-Leela. I felt like celebrating Diwali in the month of May. As usual my wife played spoil sport and SUGGESTED me not to celebrate the occasion. Anyways, I could not sleep for a week. I was so excited that I felt like jumping and started jumping red lights and now hold world record for most number of challans issued to one single party in a day.

My infatuation started the day I was called Raawan and since then it has grown with me. I started finding more opportunities to be called by your name. My teacher, my father, my mother, my friends, my ex-girlfriends, their parents and now my wife and even my daughter fondly call me Raawan. My in-laws even consider me your direct descendant. I wonder why?

But tell me where I have been wrong to follow my mentor. I have done everything to make you proud of me except of course kidnapping. I really could not do it. Last time I tried that I ended up giving the poor soul my gold chain. My dad thrashed me black and blue.

I think kidnapping and not the prostitution is the oldest profession of the world. It was you my dear sir who introduced the idea of kidnapping. Although in this economically twisted world they do it for a ransom. I am happy to inform you that since its inception, kidnapping has grown to a full fledged and prospering industry. Growing by billions of dollars every year and spreading all across the globe. From Iraq to Idaho, Afghanistan to Amsterdam, Ulhasnagar to Uganda its every where. The criminals are kidnapping people of all race and creed and of all shapes and sizes as well.

The Indian state of Bihar is the “Kidnap Capital” of the world. With Government and administration showing their interest in creating infrastructure and even special schools and colleges for the purpose, this state is going to be the hub of kidnapping industry very soon. The government is also planning to finance and facilitate the kidnappers for buying necessary equipments for kidnapping through the financial institutions and banks. Politicians are already demanding a quota in the parliament for the kidnappers. Honorable Chief Minister of the state of Bihar has even declared a pension scheme for senior kidnappers.

I have also heard it from the grape-vine that the criminals from all across the globe are sending their new recruits to get trained in Bihar. With foreign investments and attention coming in from major players of the world like Afghanistan and Iraq, I can assure you that this state is going to be very rich in no time. Microsoft is also planning to launch a special Window KID-NAP to commemorate the efforts of Bihar and its kidnapper sons. Shortly catching up is the state of Uttar Pradesh.

But sadly enough with a lot of recruitment requirements coming from middle-east these days; we are facing a man-power-crunch. Now this is what I call “Brain Drain”. I think Indian government should do something to stop this exodus of talents from our country.

The modern day kidnappers are equipped with all kinds of gadgets like mobile phones, latest automatic guns and even rocket launchers. I am sure they must be missing that Pushpak thing you used to fly, but never mind; sure enough, some body would catch up with that too. Imagine a kidnapper kidnapping a kidnappee (one who is kidnapped) in a chopper called Pushpak by Hindustan Aeronautics Limited. Oh! I feel like crying.

I will keep you posted from now on, on the current issues. Please bookmark this page and keep coming back every now and then.

With regards

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan