Monkey Business

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan Uncle

For the past few months India had been busy celebrating Dusherra, Id, Diwali, Christmas, New Year and the great fall of Share Market. Everybody was busy distributing their hard earned money; to the people they seldom meet in person, in all the above cases. I often think that what is so great about this holy festival that we enjoy. I could not think of anything better than playing JUA with my cousins, which appeals to me most about this festival. Irony is that we all have forgotten the true purpose of this festival and the true meaning of festivities that is playing cards. Or so I think, but my wife doesn’t. All it matters these days is how much money you can spend on crackers and gifts. Everything is commercialized including Diwali and why not, after all it is all about Laxmi, Laxmi and well Laxmi…

Anyways I went into deep depression soon after seeing your effigy burning to flames on Dusherra grounds. It really hurts me. It took four months, a harsh winter, an American recession and a steep share market fall to make me come out of the depression. And not to forget the efforts made by Zee TV to convince me that you were very much alive in your times. Come to think of this, do you think all the above calamities are happening because of my state of mind. Some would say I need anti-depressants again. But hey who cares. Lets get on with the Diwali thing…

It all started when, well… right after you died. They started celebrating as soon as you took your last breath and left for heavenly abode. As unwise as I can be, I don’t understand what is so bad about you avenging for your sister’s nose. I think it all started there. Why Laxman had to do that? Who in his sane mind would chop somebody’s nose off? Somebody needed psychic help back then or may be a self help book. I mean I wouldn’t even tell my mother in law that she looks like a truck even if she does. I swear I never did. But Laxman had to do it. And then all you did was abducted Shri Ram’s wife. Now what is so bad about it? I mean ask any married man of today. They would be rather happy and even pay you to do that. On the other hand I think you only wanted to tell these two brothers that under no circumstances they can chop somebody’s sister’s nose off. That is why you kidnapped Sita and flew her to your own kingdom. Now that was a modest thing to do. You could have chopped Sita’s nose too, but you didn’t. That’s chivalry and Raawanism.

Then one fine morning you realize you have an army of Monkeys, Eagles and Beers with a few men at your doorstep for rescue operations. You can fight men or women if needed be, but birds and animals that too as dangerous as monkeys. Give me a break, they bite you know. That was an unethical thing to do. I think you didn’t have “code-of-conduct-during-war” kind of thing back then. I sincerely hope Osama-bin-Laden and Musharaf wouldn’t take a clue from here. Monkeys for army, great, lets show them the videos, teach them to swear for Jihad and send them to America and Kashmir.

Talking about monkeys, another monkey business that caught my attention is an allegation on an Indian who called an Australian a monkey. Indians living or going overseas are developing a habit of relating people with animals and birds. First Mr. Ronen “Chicken” Sen called our politicians chickens and caught himself boiled in a soup. And now Bhajji called Symonds a monkey, or so it seems now. I could still remember my mother fondly calling me “Baandar kahin ka” out of sheer affection. For me or the monkey I can now question my mother for the same. Or… I can simply ask her to call me “Symonds kahin ka, or Andy kahin ka,” whatever she prefers. But at least I will be feeling proud to be referred as such a great batsman.

Now that Justice Hansen has given his judgement that Bhajji did not call Symonds a monkey but used only abusive language as light as “Teri Ma Ki…”, which in turn calls for a lesser punishment. Now I know that while playing an international match you can swear by somebody’s mother or sister but can not call him a four legged free soul of the trees. So much so that for gentlemen’s game and decency, that’s Raawanism I must tell you.

Another thing that came out of the Indo-Aussie series is that no umpire in the world would give an Indian a Leg Before Wicket out. You can read the expression on the umpire’s face when asked by the ballers on the field, its like “Are you nuts, looook, he is an Indian, I cant give him LBW out. I don’t know about you but I will be thrown out of the series.”

To update you, do watch out the tri-nation series that includes India, Australia and your own country Sri Lanka. I will keep you posted unless I go into the depression again.

Chow for now

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

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