So much so that for distraction...

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

These traffic policemen have a fetish for me, or so it seems. Yesterday I was challaned for talking on my cellular while driving. I was ambushed and waived by big burly, Raawanistic looking cop, who almost threw himself on my car’s bonnet. I slowed my car and informed him in gestures that I would be stopping my car on the bolder. I didn’t know I was this good in gesturing. Anyways, I was slow hence he was walking just outside my cars periphery. For once I felt like the US president as he was escorting my car towards the bolder. I stopped the car and he came rushing to my window. Before I could open my window completely, I heard him saying “Bhai sahib Le-cence (License) dikhao”. I was like a child caught stealing a candy, but while asking for my license (read candy), he didn’t look like my mother at all.

I asked him “kya hua bhai sahib?” To which he said “aapne na maloom ke hoya? Fone pe baat kar rahe they aap. chalo le-cence (license) dikhao” Okay time to tell a lie. We Delhites are good at judging just about the right time to lie. I think while living in Delhi (not New Delhi) its my fundamental right to lie because of my proximity to the politicians. I mean I don’t know any politician personally but they lie so much that its in the air. Yes! A lot of lies are hanging in the air. All you have to do is jump and catch one of them and use it. But remember outsiders “Right lie at the Right time”, that’s Raawanism.

I explained “Arey nahin bhai sahib maine to phone bas pakra hua tha haath mein, main baat nahin kar raha tha.” Then he said in an amusing tone, “yeh koi jhanda hai ki haath mein pakra hua tha, chalo le-cence dikhao, haath mein mobile pakrne wala challan kaat denge.” I got out of my car saying “arey kya bhai sahib challan bhi koi kaatne ki cheez hai, murga kato, bakra kato challan kya kaatna.” “Wohi to kaat rahe hain” he replied. I pleaded “Aap to bas sewa batao, challan kaat ke kya milega,” (old habits die hard huh!). To which he said “bhai sahib kya bataein challan kaatna parta hai is mahine ka target poora karna hai aur fir 26 January aane wali hai sarkar ko paise bhi to chahiye.”

His patriotism and resolve to challan me, made me hand over my license to him, looking at which he questioned “asli hai?” Hurt I was, I nodded and he proceeded to his immediate boss called Z.O. (whatever that means, zoo operator I think). I was awarded a challan of Rs. 900/-. There goes my Friday party with friends.

Now my question to the Commissioner of Police, if the inmates of Tihar jail can use the mobile why can’t we do it, hmm, well… while driving our cars? I mean that’s Raawangiri actually. To which he reverted back (not to me, to the press dude!) it’s a distraction while driving. Talking about distractions Mr. Commissioner, we mortal souls, driving in Delhi has many. My wife telling me directions all the time, my daughter shouting on top of her lungs for a Pepsi and Lays from the backseat of the car, beautiful damsels walking down the street wearing stitched-to-body denims are to name a few.

We dodge rikshawalas, auto walas, cycle walas, uncles and aunties on the road. Tell you the fact; I still wonder how blueline bus walas manage to keep their small vehicles on even smaller roads, (I would try to do that one day, Raawan uncle). It seems like stray dogs have a fancy for my car, and does that cow sitting in the middle of the road ever moved, I think not. Why can’t we move them to a safer place?

“No, No, No. These cows can not be moved. These poor creatures have their rights too. Move the road if you have to,” tells Maneka Gandhi to media persons.

Potholes on the road are distractions; rather road between stretches of potholes is a distraction. I strongly believe that the F1 racers can best be trained only on Indian roads. They would have too many potholes to dodge, (oops sorry read road). In fact there are so many potholes on the roads that it would be a disgrace to call it a road. “Its good for the bowel movement,” said the Chairman of National Commission for Road and Safety, “more over people tend to drive slow if there are many potholes hence fewer accidents.”

Even the speed limit of 50 for cars on ring road is a distraction. I don’t know about Sarkari vehicles you travel on but our petrol guzzling beasts cross 60 even if we roll them on the bridges of Delhi with engine switched off.

Your people sitting behind the bushes waiting for us, is one of the distractions too. The other day I was driving with an NRI friend sitting next to me. The poor soul came back to India after a gap of some 08 years. Suddenly a cop came from behind the bushes and right in front of our car. My NRI friend was hysterical, and almost had a heart attack. The first thing that he asked was, “what the heck that guy was doing behind the bush, do they still do it (defecate, he meant, don’t get any ideas) behind the bushes.” I could not answer his query, probably our Commissioner can. I had to assure my NRI friend that I would never break a law and would definitely not defecate behind the bushes.

“Where is your Commissioner and my husband?” asked missus Commissioner. “Behind the bushes madam checking the speed of that car coming this way” replied the orderly. “Oho! Go and tell him its his son-in-law visiting him after a long time. He would scare him off again by giving him another challan like he did last, when “beta” was here with the barat.”

Well Mr. Commissioner here goes your dinner.

With regards

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

What a Match!

Jai Shri Raawan

Dear Raawan uncle

Did you see the match? We won the world cup dude. Oops sorry I didn’t mean to call you dude but you can see I am very excited about the match. It had been a long time since India won a Cricket World cup, 24 years to be precise. These matches were exhilarating. I tell you this T20 is going to be a hit in India. If at all a match of T20 happens in Delhi, I would invite you and buy a ticket for you too, but you will have to manage rest of tickets for your rest of the nine heads your self. My wife would never let me spend that kind of money. This is one of the reasons I think she is your descendant too, just like me.

Ever since the time Indian team reached the finals of the world cup they have been showered with blessings, flowers, wishes, money and in some cases, few of the distinguished team members were showered with bikes and cars too. Wear your helmet Pathan. Incoming!

We (read Indian Cricket team) crushed the English, devoured the South Africans and un-glorified the Aussies. Ok! I know un-glorified is not a word but I love creating new words. So hush! That’s Raawanism. And finally the final we won against our (read Indian Cricket team’s) archrivals, Pakistanis. I am referring to Indian Cricket team again and again because my contribution to the cricket world is strictly restricted to watching matches and that too while drinking beer in my comfortable bedroom or if lucky in a pub with friends. And of course like every other Indian I strongly believe that I can be a very successful captain for Indian Cricket Team. Anyways, the match between India and Pakistan has always been a crowd puller and so it happened this time. I think this battle between these two neighboring countries can fetch crowds even in a jungle of a non-cricket playing nation like Uganda. For the first time in cricket history India and Pakistan reached in the final of a world cup. It was a battle of nerves and patience. I somehow always wanted to call the cricket battle between these two countries a “Battle of Sexes”. This time around when both of the teams were vouching for the world cup I got my chance to call it that way.

Few of my bookie friends told me that all of these matches were rigged. After loosing to India, of course a few of my Pakistani brethrens must be thinking the same way. But, I don’t think so. Except of course I am still wondering how our ex-president Dr. Abdul Kalam got a clue a few months ago that we would win T20 world cup. He said in one of his speeches “India will be a super power in Twenty Twenty.” I have never seen any body predicting the future so right. Pure wisdom and far-sightedness, I would say. Now that Dr. Kalam is retired and must be looking for a job, I think he should contact the Bhai Log of the trade, or may be the Bhai Log must be looking out for him. “Haan bhai aaj ka kya rate nikalna hai India-Australia ke match mein?” asks the chota bhai. “Abey dhakkan Doctor bhai ki koi purani speech nikal ke dekh, apun ka to saara idea fail hai abhi unke aage,” says the beleaguered Dubai Bhai. I have also had it from the grapevine that the Bhai Log has already ordered the copies of all the speeches Dr. Kalam has ever made. Phew! Why couldn’t I think of that?

The men in blue should thank Misbah for his misjudged flick in the end. The Pakistanis should thank Joginder Sharma for all his balls thrown out side the off stump, which made it a close match in the end (does this guy ever bowls straight) and I would like to thank Dhoni for not giving the ball to Joginder Sharma in the bowl-out against Pakistan in the earlier match.

Finally I would like to thank the Indian Cricket team for making us proud.

With regards

Raawanistically yours

Chota Raawan

P.S.: I am serious about buying the tickets sir, but please be prepared to buy 09 tickets.